I am actually thankful that I am not a super type-A personality who feels depressed when their planning does not come to fruition. Family crisises have a way of interrupting grand plans, at the same time they help you discern what really is or is not important.
I've wanted to share a bit about what has been going on with my extended family. I am fairly mindful of their need for privacy, but I do want to be able to write about how what has happened with them has affected me and my family. Grandma and Grandpa (my husband's parents) have been a very important part my children's lives. I've never been able to join in the jokes or complaints about how awful mother-in-laws were, because thankfully, mine has always been wonderful. They've been retired as long as I've had children (they took early retirements) and my children always loved going to visit Grandma and Grandpa. They loved going places with them in the Charlotte, NC area (museums, parks, shopping, Chuck E Cheese) and just being at their house and playing there and seeing their cousins who live in the area.
They were also very selfless people who cared for "Great Grandma" (my father-in-law's mother) in their home through a period of her declining health. There was a 2-3 year period where they couldn't be away from their home for more than 4 hours at a time, which was how long a "nurse" came to stay with her, three times a week. Before Great-Grandma's health had declined, they had loved to travel and had been used to a freedom of movement. Prior to that, from 2003-2005 they did quite a lot of traveling... they went with us on a "grand tour" of the Dakotas when I was pregnant with my oldest (to see Mt. Rushmore, The Badlands, Teddy Roosevelt National Park and Laura Ingalls Wilder historical sites), then went to Hawaii with their daughter, and also to France and Germany. This is even more amazing because my mother-in-law had been going blind. In 2000 she lost sight in one eye, and then in early 2004 she started losing sight in her second eye. It was not until 2005 that we even knew that she had started losing her eyesight. Sound strange? Not if you are a Christian Scientist...
It was a bit strange for me to marry into a Christian Science family. There aren't very many of them, really. Growing up, my husband's family were the only Christian Scientists in the county they lived in. They are known for chosing to avoid medical care/treatment as much as possible (it varies person to person, and there are exceptions) and instead chose to practice Christian Science healing. This involves a relationship with a practioner, and basically NOT seeing a doctor. I would say that my in-laws were not always the most "devout" folks (they faithfully attended church, but never seemed extreme to my husband, or me) but as my mother-in-laws sight failed, she refused, despite prompting from her daughters, to seek treatment. So we all watched as my mother-in-law lost her sight.
So, during a period of time from 2005-2011, my father-in-law was caregiver for his mother, who eventually fell down and became confined to a wheelchair, and my mother-in-law, with her failing sight. In the environment of her home, my mother-in-law did really well. She could move about comfortably and still did household chores. But in public she needed to be led about by someone. There did reach a point where my father-in-law could no longer help his mother. She needed to be "lifted" and put from bed to wheelchair, wheelchair to couch, couch to wheelchair, etc. So they did put her in a nursing home. This didn't change things much for them, because at first they went to visit her nearly ever day. Finally they backed off to seveal times a week. But they would never leave town. We have lived in our current home since 2007, and they never came to visit us (a three hour drive). So every time my children ever saw them, it was in their home. That brought it's own set of challenges, since travel is hard on kids, and they always seemed to sleep worse while we were there, etc. But they loved being there so much that it was worth it to me, because I wanted them to have a close relationship with my husband's family.
Great-Grandma passed away of natural causes in July of 2011. My in-laws traveled for the first time in years, back to Illinois where Great-Grandma wanted to be buried next to her husband. It was probably a hard trip for them physically, but really great emotionally, since they got to see their extended family. They had three of their adult children with them (my husband couldn't go because of job demands.)
It was about that time that I started having concerns about my mother-in-law's health. I had been sad when Great-Grandma had died, but also relieved in a way. She was 93 and had lived a long life, and had seen her grandchildren and great-grandchildren. We loved her, but she died of natural causes. It seemed to hit my father-in-law really hard, though. He just had a hard time letting go of his mother, since he had been caring for her (in a way) since his father had died young, and she had moved in with them... so about 35 years. We had all hoped that the "burden" of caregiving would be lifted from my father-in-law for a season, assuming that he could cope with the normal burden of his wife's sight issues, and that maybe they could get out more, take up a hobby, take care of their health.
So, I was happy when they agreed to travel to Chapel Hill to see a football game and stay at my sister-in-law's condo. But I was surprised to see my mother-in-law looking much weaker, and that when we went to the mall, she chose to sit in a wheelchair. This was a new development, physically she had been fine before.
At Thanksgiving she was much worse. She was walking slowly and obviously not feeling well. At Christmas, we were all shocked and overwhelmed with the changes that we saw in her. She was obviously very sick, just wasting away on the upper half of her body, and she had terrible edema in her legs. She could barely get in or out of her car, and only rarely walked without assistance. She basically slept the day away in her recliner. But, because of her religion, she still refused to see a doctor. We all watched helplessly. After Christmas I went home, and for two days I just cried on and off. I couldn't believe what was happening, and felt so helpless. At that time, I thought that she had diabetes and congestive heart failure. My sister-in-law had a different perspective, she said, "I think my mom is full of cancer."
We were essentially mourning my mother-in-law after Christmas. On December 30th, my husband got a call from one of his sisters. It was obviously about someone going to the hospital. He hung up and I started to say something about his mom, and he said, "No, it's not what you think...It's Dad." We were in shock. My father-in-law had been getting ready to head out to take a course he needed to maintain his professional certification, but had fallen down in the shower. My mother-in-law couldn't reach her daughters, so she called Great-Grandma's former "nurse" who was also a friend. That lady called 911 and they took my father-in-law to the hospital.
His stroke changed everything. We knew he was possibly not in the best health and possibly at risk, but obviously you don't anticipate something like that. He had very high blood pressure, and diabetes, we learned. After he went to the hospital, there was the issue of caring for my mother-in-law. The "nurse" stayed with her one night, and then my sister-in-laws the next night. My husband and his brother went to be with their dad. My mother-in-law finally agreed to go into the hospital to find out what was wrong with her.
She went in on New Year's Day and a body scan indicated cancer, lymphoma. She was also in the midst of kidney failure, and if she had not been admitted to the hospital she probably would have been dead within two days. So, her husband's stroke essentially saved her life. The first two weeks of the year were all focused on finding out exactly what her physical state was, and what treatment options were. We learned that she had Stage IV Lymphoma, an agressive form. She had only had cancer for maybe 6-8 months.
It was very hard, obviously, for all the kids, but a relief in a way I think. Because their mother didn't want to know the details until she needed to, the kids were the ones talking to the doctors. They had to explain her beliefs, and the "need to know" attitude that she had. Once the cancer diagnosis was official, and they knew the treatment options, they did tell their mom. And she agreed to treatment! I think that her attitude was "In for a penny, in for a pound." They did find a Christian Science "person" to still talk to her, not an official practioner (I don't think) but someone she was comfortable with.
It's been almost four months now, and my parents-in-law are stable for the moment. The cancer treatment has reduced my mother-in-laws tumors by 75%, which is excellent. My father-in-law continues in his caregiving role, though, and is more concerned for his wife than he is for himself, which might be hurting his own progress. We really don't know what the long-term future holds for them- they are stable, but both of them are very weak and require full-time skilled care and various therapies. The plan is to move them from the current facility they are at to a nicer one that will be able to be more "detail oriented" and take better care of them. Both of my sister-in-laws have been with them on an a near-daily basis, through various treatments and crisises that have happened along the way. My husband and his brother have traveled there as they can. All of our lives have been turned upside down, emotionally.
So obviously my little family has been greatly affected by this, as we are so worried and concerned about them. My heart just breaks at times, and I fight to put the "what ifs" out of my mind. One positive benefit of this crisis is that my husband and his siblings have talked more since Christmas than they had in years. My sister-in-laws have had some good, honest conversations with their mom. We know that nothing will ever be the same, but at this point in time count every day that my mother-in-law has as a blessing.
I might have shared too much here, I don't know. I really have left out a lot. I respect my in-laws and love them dearly, even though I think their faith was misplaced. Christian Science is a hard religion, and a grace-less one, I feel. I don't wish to debate that religion and hope that I don't get any comments defending it (they will be deleted, this is a personal blog.) But I continue to pray for my in-laws, and that they would truly know God's love and grace, and how much they really are loved.
